Humble Opinions

Purim is my #1 favorite Jewish holiday. It encompasses some of my greatest likes: Crazy history, great lessons about human nature, and the least expected outcome possible. However, I think Purim 2009 will have an additional element of awesomeness, considering the current Iranian nuclear crisis.

First, I will attempt to provide a medium-length synopsis of the Purim storyline from an historical perspective, and then I will proceed to accurately predict the future. Pay attention:

Prologue

In the year 586 BCE, the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzer captured Jerusalem, exiling 90% of her Jewish inhabitants to modern-day Iraq, and 10% to Egypt. Nebuchadnezzar was a highly aggressive, totalitarian dictator that required everyone in his presence to bow to him, and who crushed any dissenting individuals. He also built the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, which still stands today in Iraq.

He was succeeded by his son, Belshazzar, who largely resembled his father. Belshazzar only reigned for 2 years, until the Babylonian empire was overrun. Believing the Babylonian empire was invincibly well-represented throughout most of the known civilized world, Belshazzar never considered his empire being overrun for a second. Unfortunately for him, he underestimated the rising Persian powers, and particularly a man known as Cyrus The Great.

Cyrus The Great, head of the Persian forces, had his initial military training as a member of the Babylonian army. He approached the Medes, and teamed up with Darius I, head of the Medes army, to take over the Babylonian empire. The attack went extremely well for them, and every royal and important leader of the Babylonian empire was slaughtered, leaving only a princess named Vashti, the daughter of Belshazzar, granddaughter of Nebuchadnezzar.

The Babylonian foreign policy was to capture an area of land, and exile the inhabitants. Foreigners would then be imported into the area to ensure there would be no revolts. The concept was that foreigners were to an extent discombobulated, living in a brand new land, and also that they had no loyalty or history related to the geographic location. This differed from Persian foreign policy, which was to appease nations so long as they would agree to pay Persian taxes, and subjugate themselves to the Persian rule of law.

Thus, Cyrus set forth an edict allowing the Jews to return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple if they so desired. The rebuilding mission was headed by a man named Zerubbabel, however, tragically, only 42,360 Jews joined his mission (son of a!). As a result from mounting pressure from the foreigner inhabitants of the land (the Samaritans), and the poor turnout of Jews, the permission to rebuild the temple was withdrawn. Here is the actual text of Cyrus’ edict, quoted from the book of Ezra:

כֹּה אָמַר, כֹּרֶשׁ מֶלֶךְ פָּרַס–כֹּל מַמְלְכוֹת הָאָרֶץ, נָתַן לִי יְקוָה אֱלֹהֵי הַשָּׁמָיִם; וְהוּא-פָקַד עָלַי לִבְנוֹת-לוֹ בַיִת, בִּירוּשָׁלִַם אֲשֶׁר בִּיהוּדָה. מִי-בָכֶם מִכָּל-עַמּוֹ, יְהִי אֱלֹקיו עִמּוֹ, וְיַעַל, לִירוּשָׁלִַם אֲשֶׁר בִּיהוּדָה; וְיִבֶן, אֶת-בֵּית יְקוָה אֱלֹהֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל–הוּא הָאֱלֹקים, אֲשֶׁר בִּירוּשָׁלִָם.

“Thus says Cyrus king of Persia: All the kingdoms of the earth the LORD, the God of heaven, has given me; and He has charged me to build Him a house in Jerusalem, which is in Judah. Whoever is among you of His people–his God be with him–let him go up to Jerusalem, which is in Judah, and build the house of the LORD, the God of Israel, He is the God who is in Jerusalem.” (Ezra 1:2 - 1:3)

Enter Purim Awesomeness

Cyrus was eventually succeeded (after 1 or 2 kings) by a man named Achashverosh. Achashverosh was not of royal blood, nor was he a war hero. Thus, he took Vashti, the last of the Babylonian royal family, as a wife, in attempt to legitimize himself as a king. He also moved the Persian capital from Baghdad to Shushan (talk about dictatorial aspirations…).

To paint the picture to you, the Persian empire encompassed 127 countries, spanning from India to Ethiopia, and was essentially all of the known civilized world, minus some small Greek city-states (including Athens and Sparta), as well as a few other small groups of people. All the Jews on earth lived within the boundaries of the Persian empire.

A man named Haman the Agagite rose to 2nd-in-command in the Persian empire, and was able to enact a law requiring all inhabitants of the Persian empire to bow to him (how original). Haman was a complete maniac, and had he lived in modern times, he would likely be grouped with figures such as Hitler, Stalin, and Mao Zedong.

One of the leading figures of the Jewish people at the time, Mordechai simply refused to bow to Haman. In response to this, Haman not only attempted to have Mordechai killed, but decided he would wipe every Jew off the face of earth (a fairly rational response). Through a series of shrewd political maneuvers, Haman set forth an edict stamped with the king’s seal that, in short, stated all Persians citizens would be free to kill any Jew they want, and inherit their belongings on a particular date. Here is the exact text of the edict, quoted from the Book of Esther:

וְנִשְׁלוֹחַ סְפָרִים בְּיַד הָרָצִים, אֶל-כָּל-מְדִינוֹת הַמֶּלֶךְ–לְהַשְׁמִיד לַהֲרֹג וּלְאַבֵּד אֶת-כָּל-הַיְּהוּדִים מִנַּעַר וְעַד-זָקֵן טַף וְנָשִׁים בְּיוֹם אֶחָד, בִּשְׁלוֹשָׁה עָשָׂר לְחֹדֶשׁ שְׁנֵים-עָשָׂר הוּא-חֹדֶשׁ אֲדָר; וּשְׁלָלָם, לָבוֹז.

“And letters were sent by messengers to all the king’s provinces, to destroy, to slay, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month Adar, and to take the spoil of them for a prey.” (Esther 3:13)

As you can imagine, this was a rather big pickle for the Jewish people. It was essentially Hitler’s final solution, to be carried out in a single day. Not only that, but the decree was set forth via the king’s office! Meaning, it was perfectly legal, and encouraged to partake in this event. What did the Jews get themselves into this time…

The coincidences begin

Being the modest, conservative guy that he was, Achashverosh threw a 6-month long party on tax payer dollars (or yen, or whatever they were using at the time). In a drunken haze, he requested of his wife to appear at the party wearing nothing but a crown. When she refused, he had her killed. So far, a normal Thursday night…

The next day, after realizing what he had done, and missing his wife, Achashverosh arranged a beauty pageant, with mandatory participation of all women of the Persian empire. Most women jumped at the opportunity of becoming the potential queen of the ruling empire of the world, but one modest Jewess named Esther had no interest. She was brought by force to the beauty pageant, and against all odds, won! To make the situation even crazier, Esther was Mordechai’s niece!

The next major event was that Mordechai overheard 2 individuals plotting to assassinate the king, and seize rule over the Persian empire. They were speaking in a different language, so as to not be understood, however, Jews are mad smart, and Mordechai understood all of it. He immediately sent a message to Esther, who informed the king, and had the plotters killed. Mordechai was owed a “solid” by the king.

Later on in the story, with the guidance of Mordechai, Esther fasted for 3 days, and approached the king without invitation (at the time, a capital crime warranting a death sentence). She requested that the king and his 2nd-in-command, Haman, attend a party she put together. At the party, Esther invited the king and Haman to yet another party she would organize, at which Esther revealed to the king she was Jewish, and that Haman was attempting to have her entire people slaughtered.

Shockingly, Achashverosh sided with Esther, and in a swift change of events, Haman was hanged on the gallows he had setup in hope to hang Mordechai on. Mordechai was appointed 2nd-in-command of the Persian empire, and the Jews celebrate that date ever since, dubbed Purim. Jews today wear masks on Purim, to remember the hidden hand of G-d that saved them, and eat Hamantashen to remember the 3 pointed hat Haman wore.

Here’s the best part: Achashverosh and Esther had a son named Darius II, who once again allowed the Jews to return to Israel, and rebuild their temple. However, not only did he merely “allow” them to do this, but he sent 3 brigades of the Persian army with a man named Nechemia to ensure the building would occur without interruption.

And the Jews are back in business! Pretty crazy if you ask me… The Jews went from having a set date for their complete destruction, to having a Jew as the 2nd-in-command in the Persian empire, and having 3 brigades of the Persian army enforcing the king’s allowance of the Jews to rebuild their temple and start a second commonwealth.

That kind of reminds me of the 20th century, where the Jews went being gassed and shot daily by the thousands in 1945 during the Nazi Holocaust, to just 3 years later having their own country, and successfully repelling the attack of 7 Arab armies, being outnumbered around 10 to 1.

Iranian Nuclear Crisis

The current Iranian nuclear crisis, where Iran is dashing toward the finish line to assemble a nuclear weapon, has a big throwback to the story of Purim. Iranians are Persian, and geographically, Iran is the modern day Persia. Cyrus and Darius I originally set out to conquer the Babylonian empire from modern day Iran.

Some people think Iran should be left to do as it pleases, and actually believe its claims that the uranium enrichment they are currently employing is “for peaceful purposes,” even though the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, has repeatedly made statements claiming “Israel’s demise is near.” Sounds like a peaceful guy to me.

The bottom line is this: The Jews have been around for thousands of years, and have seen, and worked in, every major empire from ancient Egypt (Joseph was the viceroy) all the way to the United States (plenty of Jews in the senate, and house of representatives). Jews have endured the worst atrocities known to human history, including everything from slavery, forced conversion, expulsion, attacks, pogroms, and the holocaust. YET, they are still around, continuing in their 3700 year old tradition, rocking the spot, and still advancing civilization by way of scientific and technological discoveries.

I would think again, Iran, if you think you have even the slightest chance of winning round II. Your fate will resemble that of the multitude of individuals and regimes that have tried, in one way or another, to destroy the Jewish people. I would reconsider if I were you.

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Around 5 weeks ago, I moved from New Jersey to Jerusalem. Many people wondered why I decided to move, and when asked the reason, I found myself advancing a wide range of answers - everything from the inspirational, to the spiritual, and even the practical (”well, I have a lot of friends there”). Now, being Israeli for 5 weeks, I would like to list some of the reasons I decided to move, and add my present-day opinions, now that I have a bit of hindsight on the matter.

(1). Israel is the only country that actively protects Jews worldwide

You may not know this, but there are Israeli mossad agents in every single country on planet earth. I kid you not. If you’ve done a bit of reading into history, and intake regular quantities of Middle Eastern news, you’d know how vulnerable Jews are worldwide (if you disagree, I assure you I can change your opinion). Let’s leave anti-semitism out of the picture for a moment. The state of Israel as a country is rather controversial in the world. Terrorism against Jews in any country can send a serious message to the state of Israel, and that is why Israel takes on the unbelievable burden of watching out for Jews all over the world.

It may not seem like a big deal for Jews living in America, under the security and protection of the world superpower, but when the situation hits the fan for the Jews (and believe me, it does), circumstances can become dire. That is why I feel the safest living in a country full of Jews, run by Jews, whose #1 priority is to protect Jewish lives.

(2). This is the chance our ancestors waited over 1800 years for

The 2nd temple in Jerusalem was destroyed in 70 CE by the Romans, and the Jewish people were exiled, and dispersed from Israel to locations all over the world. In their daily prayers (3 times a day) Jews have been praying for the rebuilding of Jerusalem and their temple for over 1800 years. Rewind just 100 years ago: Millions of Russain Jews were living in ghettos, poor, starving, and 40% unemployed, where it was illegal to practice any form of Judaism whatsoever. The Jews of that period in time would literally have done any possible thing to be freed from their oppression, let alone to have a state of their own, where Jewish observance was not only legal, but facilitated.

Now that the chance to live in a Jewish land of Israel has returned for the first time in 1800 years, I would think it an unimaginable lost opportunity to just ignore it, and live somewhere else. We’ve been wondering from country to country for centuries already.

(3). We’re making history

Read some history books. In approximately the year 378 BCE, the Persian king Cyrus The Great set forth an edict allowing Jews to return to their homeland, and rebuild their temple. A mere 5% took him up on his offer. Not only that, but later on, when the temple was finally rebuilt and the 2nd Jewish commonwealth was underway, 75% of world Jewry lived outside the land of Israel. Our Rabbis and Sages say that had the Jews risen to the opportunity that Cyrus The Great had helped to provide, the 2nd temple may not have been destroyed.

To put it mildly, their great grandchildren and their descendants felt they made a disastrous decision, and the Jewish people have paid wholesomely for it, for millennia. When the history books of the 21st century are written and studied by future generations, I don’t want to be looked back on poorly.

(4). Israel needs Jews!

Having lived in Israel for 5 weeks at this point, I can say definitively that Israel needs Jews living here. In just 60 years, the country has gone from practically nothing, to a first-world country, often times leading the way in technology and science. I believe this is solely due to the unparralelled talent, and drive the Jewish people have, collectively.

I like to think of myself as a talented individual, and thus, one of the reasons I decided to move to Israel was so that I can put my talents toward improving the Jewish state. There are a lot of smart Jews living in Israel, and let me just say, it’s apparent.

(5). Everything you do is a Mitzvah

There is only one country on earth where picking trash up off the ground is a Mitzvah, and there is only one country on earth where sweeping the ground outside your apartment is a Mitzvah. You guessed it: Israel.

(6). What do you want to do with your life?

Believe it or not, there will come a point in time that you will look back on your life, and begin to judge whether you lived your life satisfactorily. For me, when that time comes, I desperately want to be able to list the multitude of things I dedicated time and energy toward during my lifetime that helped build Israel into a better place. I also hope at that time, I can say that I successfully raised a generation of children that will continue the legacy of the Jewish people.

Maybe they’ll each have their own blogs. That would be awesome. I know a good programmer they can hire.

(7). The food here is ridiculous

Seriously, if you like food even a little, you would love living in Israel. The ice coffee is in slurpee consistency! Enough said.

(8). Hebrew is sickly cool

עברית היא שפה קדושה ומגניבה

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For one who thinks about the Jewish holiday Chanuka, there are a few obvious questions: What exactly are Jews celebrating, and why do they celebrate it? If you’re a history buff, you’ll answer the holiday is a commemoration of the Maccabean revolt successfully repelling the Syrian Greek army of Antiochos Epiphanes in the year 170 BCE. But I’ve got news for you - the fighting did not end there. There were battles for years that followed the events of Chanuka. And another thing, the Greeks did not declare a holocaust decree against the Jews. The Greeks felt the Jews were standing in the way of “the future” - namely, the progressive philosophy, architecture, and beauty their society was trying to bring to the world. The Greeks never attempted to wipe out the Jews.

Furthermore, do you know how many thousands of mini-battles the Jews have won in their history? Why don’t Jews celebrate their victory over the Amaleki army that occurred shortly after their exodus from Egypt? Why not their miraculous conquer of the city of Jericho? If anything, we should at least celebrate the 1976 Raid on Entebbe. That was quite a victory in my opinion.

So the question stands: what is so special about Chanuka?

First, we need to make a distinction. There is an enormous difference between non-Jewish holidays, and Jewish holidays. Non-Jewish holidays are celebrations to recall earlier events that coincidentally happened on the same day of the calendar that Pope Gregory XIII created in 1582 - a nice coincidence indeed. Jewish holidays are something entirely different.

A fundamental Jewish belief is that the physical world as perceived by us humans is merely a manifestation of a spiritual dimension. Thus, when a person smiles at you, and it makes you feel happy, you are not actually feeling that joy as a result of the other person reshaping their mouth into a U-shape. Rather, that U-shape is a representation of a deeper essence that cannot be clearly defined in the physical dimension of the universe. But we already knew that.

Now let’s expand that concept to time. Time is not a method of accounting. Time actually has personality to it. Winter feels different than Summer. Spring feels different than Fall. Thus, time carries with it specific energies that enable a person to better accomplish certain things at certain times. That is why in the Jewish calendar, we have set periods of judgment, periods of mourning, periods of great striving, etc. Jewish holidays are not merely celebrations. They are opportunities.

So what’s the deal with Chanuka?

Chanuka is a prime example of the Jewish situation in the world. One of the first things the Greeks occupying the Land of Israel banned was circumcision of male babies. They felt it was a defilement of the human body, which was naturally perfect and beautiful. Greek culture also promoted public nudity, and the beautification of the human body (hence their art). This stance was entirely opposed to Jewish thought, which believes true beauty comes from within, and as a result of refinement of one’s self.

The Greeks did not deny the existence of god. But they gave their gods human attributes. Greek gods were womanizers, murderers, and had all the failings a human being could have. This was a diametrically opposite view of the world than the Jews had. Thus, the battle between the Jews and the Greeks was something far deeper than an exchange of firepower - or whatever weapons were cutting edge back then. It was a conflict of stance.

Where are the Greeks today? Modern day Greece has no connection to ancient Greece, and Greek philosophy can be found for the most part in whatever book has collected the most dust. Did the Jews win a guerrilla warfare battle? Yes, but that is not what Jews celebrate. Jews celebrate their everlasting view of the world, their mission to uplift it spiritually, and the fact that no empire or madman has yet to extinguish them.

And I’ve got some bad news for Mahmoud Ahmedinejad: You’re going to lose, trust me.

Happy Chanuka!

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